Tuesday, September 20, 2011

On The Train, I am a mess, Sept 20, 2011

When we landed last Sunday I thought I was my normal self. After I waved goodbye to my colleagues on the bus going back to the office only I realised I was in a mess. What was obvious I was a mess physically due to lack of sleep and the long journey. I realised also I was a mess mentally. It did not come to me like a gust of wind. It just came slowly and you can say in a way subconsciously as well. Especially when I sat alone trying to charge my phone. The thought of the kids I left behind at Ulu Entaih brought home some realities of my own life. The questions kept on popping out :
Have I done the right thing with my own kids?
Have I given more than it should?
Have I set the right standards for them?
Are they what they are supposed to be mentally?
The right values?
Especially Mar, being the youngest I may have gone overboard
All these questions kept bugging me and prayed to Allah that I have done the right things.
To the kids at Ulu Entaih, although the program was a success, I was worried we have set wrong expectation for them. They may just want their easy life and I would have not blame them for that. Clean water, air and wonderful environment. Ninety percent of them may not even have been to the nearest town, Pakan, which is about almost 50 km away. I was assured after awhile by the words I remembered uttered to me by the teachers and their parents at the longhouse. They have the right to be given another opportunity and option. Just like my children we just give our best to prepare them and let them in due time to discover and decide for themselves. After all, I thought, that was how I grew up. 
Still, I was a mess and turned my car towards a no entry zone instead of the obvious on Monday. I think I am ok now. I think :)
The usual crowds tonight and I am expecting a normal ride home as well. KTMB please give me a break today.


Edzan Nasir said...

All parents want the best for their children ... at least I do. I want to give them a better life than what I had but thinking back, I did have a pretty good life, thanks to my parents & siblings. So, we do the best we can and hope that we did or are doing the right thing and setting a right example. Having been a parent for 25 years, I now know for a fact that no one can teach you how to be a good or bad parent ... it is hits & misses, trial & error & insya Allah, with His guidance, we doa that we are on the right track. Bottomline : enjoy your time with your kids 'cos when they become parents themselves, they will definitely look back at the times they spent we us for guidance.

Ghaz said...

Thanks for the thoughts. Yes I really need to spend and enjoy more time with them.